Long breaks from blogging are becoming something of a routine now, one that I don't really pride myself on. It's a clear and rather shameful representation of my inability to juggle time and passions deftly. Though I can hide behind the excuse of a new lifestyle, the idle hours will be a nagging reminder of my indolence.
It's been a month to the day since I began college. So many emotions have passed through me, quite a large number actually, in this time frame. Thanks to my fear of my formidable conscience, I jotted down a significant portion of them to remind me, for I seem to have forgotten that those emotions took residence in me in those first few days of newness; such is the degree to which they have changed. A single month seems to have imparted wisdom that maybe slumbered in the deep recesses of my mind, not finding the need to be disturbed just yet.
My feelings as of 3rd August, 2013 :
Why. The inquisitive, puzzling, formidable and at times scary three-letter word that so unyieldingly latches onto the mind like a leech that has found an unsuspecting body of flesh and blood. A delight to the questioner during the inevitable awkward silences of conversation, the word is an unwelcome guest when you find yourself on both sides of the conversation and realize you're talking to yourself.
I've successfully braved a week in college. It feels like it has been months since I came here. Regular phone calls to home, a long one with best friend, late night with roommates, staying behind in class to finish work, a million hello's, hi's and bye's have already happened.
I look around and see groups already forming. Pairs or gangs of people almost constantly together in less than a week of acquaintance. Character sketches are being created thanks to the judgemental part of our mind (or is it just mine?)
Having always strutted around school with my own clique and always having fit in with any group of people I was in the company of, finding myself sitting alone in my room on a Saturday evening, I must confess is giving me my first bout of homesickness. I don't play basketball so I can't hang out at the court. The library timings are depressingly less. The few people I've gotten to know till now are tucked in in their rooms in the cozy comfort of sleep. Restrictions all around. Are these ones I'm creating or ones that are situational? And here is where the dreaded three-letter word comes in : Why am I not able to make the kind of friends I did in school? Why does it seem like suddenly the avenues of friendship have very tight security at their rather narrow gates? Maybe it is so because in school we are at a very impressionable age and making friends for life is no trigonometry test. We're still in the process of forming our identities, developing our interests and discovering new ones. But we come out of school with friends, interests, knowledge and heightened self-consciousness.
~I had paused writing and continued the next day. Read on for a drastic change~
It is quite surprising how much my outlook on college friendship has changed in a day. The best way to explain would be by starting here : my dependency on technology. It really is true that things are appreciated more in their absence. I'm not going to feign complete shock in reaction to the realization of how dependent I am on the internet. During the past year, I spent many of my productive hours of a day on the internet (which sadly speaks nothing of my productivity). It's been my most trusted, dependable and of course, entertaining connection to the world. So, yes, I'm dependent on the internet to an extent. But.... maybe a little more than I imagined. The last ten days I haven't had access to facebook, no blogging, no quora, no youtube and on and on. Thankfully, I had internet on my phone that I could use to message my friends if the network was gracious enough to grant me a signal at that golden hour.
I have a new place and new people to get to know but there is a constant yearning and an ache of separation that wants to see something familiar to assure my senses that the world I know still exists. In that way, I'm immensely grateful to technology. The cradle of connection does a lot to the psyche.
But I'm still sane, still smiling, still relishing the newness of a new phase. And this is where the reason for change comes in. Time. Yes, it's wise old time. The answer to every "why" comes with time and every "why" turns into a beautiful realization that comes like the glowing sun on a foggy morning.
Barriers are broken. New identities are formed. Common grounds are discovered. Friendships are forged. It all just takes time. Things are of course not the same as they are in school. But they get better with time.
Of all the lessons college has taught me in a week (the number is astounding), this could be the most important. It has taught me that I won't always go alone for lunch but neither will I lose my precious solitude.
~Returning to present day~
Rereading this has left me surprised. Time indeed does a lot. I look at my very recent experiences as if at a younger person's. Maybe it's just an illusion of maturity or I have actually gained some.
Weeks don't seem like months anymore. There is plenty of work to do and I find myself hearteningly enthusiastic and eager to learn though I was mildly terrified of my subjects at the beginning. But that doesn't mean my old friend laziness has abandoned me. He does chip in now and then to remind me of what a deceivingly lovely friend he is.
About friendships, I see myself patting the back of the 3 weeks younger me. And the younger me responds with a pleasantly surprised look as she sees the future. That makes it pretty clear, doesn't it?
Right now, the only negative feeling is that of worthlessness as I see and hear about great minds accomplishing astonishing things. And I hope this feeling of worthlessness gives me the push to be the person I want to be. Pure unadulterated me!
